I have a million things I have been tossing around in my mind to write about, but because my work schedule has been unrelenting and I have two college courses to worry about now, I haven't been able to. I'm also trying to have some semblance of a social life, so it's been quite a juggle lately. Of all the subjects and experiences I want to share, I am going to scrap all of them (for today) and get a little personal because I was really inspired and deeply touched by my friend Joan's blog. Click here to read her entry and subscribe to her blog. It's what made me initially begin mine.
I have been working on myself for the past 7 weeks pretty intensely. Now, in the past, I have gone through periods where I really take a look inside and get real about the things I want to improve, but I had just scratched the surface and then slowly backed off over time. Facing one of my biggest fears has made me re-evaluate everything. I sat back and looked at the past year of my life and everything I've been scared of, and thought, "No wonder my anxiety is at an all time high! No wonder my stomach is in knots! No wonder I can't let myself be really present and happy!"
For the past 10 months I have been scared of moving to Singapore. I have been scared that I will never get out of debt. I have been holding on to the fear that I went through with my breast biopsy. I have been scared that even though the results were negative THIS time, that next time, or the time after, they won't be. I have been scared that my relationship wasn't heading in the direction it was originally. I have been scared of what everyone that I work with thinks of me. I have been scared that I can't trust the company I work for. I have been scared of turning 30 this year . . .
And that's really just scratching the surface. It was exhausting, and devastating. I feel like I look back at myself 2 months ago and think, "Who was that person?" I felt completely and utterly unsafe. I thought, "I have to go home!" and in the same instance, "I can't go home!" I had been running further and further away from myself until I was forced to take a breath, turn around and look at where I was. It was not a place I ever want to be again.
The positive thing about my fears coming to fruition is that, little by little, I realized I actually can handle all those things I thought I couldn't. And I can handle all the scary things that haven't happened, but might some day; but not without putting in the work, and LOTS of it. I've been reading endlessly and journaling and meditating every day. I've been changing my thoughts and it has changed everything. I had been missing out on so much by worrying about everything! And in the past month, I see things I didn't see before, because I'm open to it and I'm looking for the good stuff. It was as if I were absolutely refusing to let all of the joy in before, and I can assure you, Joy will not kick the door in! Thankfully, it waited politely outside until I came to my senses and invited it in. "Letting go" is my biggest lesson this year. I am letting go of that list of crap that has been holding me back.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still a work in progress! I'm not and never will be perfect, but who is? I just feel like I have really turned a huge corner in my life and am so grateful. Meditation is something I always shied away from because I felt like I didn't really "get it" and therefore resisted trying it. Now, I can't get enough! I mean, I'm not like, in a creepy state of mediation 24 hours a day, but I do take at least 10 minutes a day to do it and I feel peace for the first time in a year. A friend actually said to me a couple of days ago, "I like coming to you with my problems because you are so peaceful about it and really think before you give me an answer." I can tell you that would never have been said 2 months ago and it just about floored me. I hope that means I can be a better friend now as well.
Life is stinkin' tough; but it's absolutely beautiful as well. It is all in how you absorb what you are confronted with. If you see a world that is out to get you and make you unhappy, then that is the world you are going to be living in. Somehow, along the way, I forgot that lesson. Now I'm in a world full of hope, beauty and inspiration. Join me, won't you?